The origin of my AIM screen name

Damn, I know it's been a min since I've updated but it seems like every single time I get a good topic lodged in my head it flies away before I can get it down. Well, that and the fact that my damn monitor went ker-plunk on me two weeks ago for almost a week and I had to come out of pocket to get a new one! *sigh* But anyway....

My AIM screen name is mixednotmixedup. A couple of people have asked me why I picked that name so....I decided to explain the reason right here.

To begin, let me lay out my racial makeup. I'm mostly Black (Af-Am, whatever you want to call it), but I am also part German, part Native American (Blackfoot, I'm told), and part Jewish. I guess because of this mixture I look like I am a Latina (Puerto Rican is what I hear the most). I'm not offended by that at all, but I've had people out-and-out TELL ME that I'm a Latina and that I'm just portraying myself to be black and that I need to stop being so fake. What the fuck?!? Like I'm really about to go to an all-black school in the middle of the fuckin' hood and pretend to be a race that I'm not. Fuckouttahere!

It also gets to me a bit when I see people trying to say that because a Black person is not "obviously black" that they have a better time in life. First of all, what is "obviously black"? There are tribes in Africa that dye their hair with red clay - are you going to tell them that they're not Black because their hair is red? Am I any less black because I choose to dye my hair a color other than black or brown on the regular?

The Black race has a multitude of skin tones ranging from the lightest white to the darkest black with AND without being mixed with any other race. Are you telling me that because I fall on the lighter side of the spectrum that I'm less Black than the next woman?

What about my hair? It's curly and wavy so I couldn't possibly be black, right? What the hell is "obviously black"? If someone said that it meant someone who is dark-skinned with kinky hair, big lips and a wide nose then some of you would probably say that that's very sterotypical. Well, if it's not that, then what is it?

Ok, so I don't look "obviously black" to most people. I've never felt like I was betraying my race by some of the things that I would and still do but some people around felt like I was. Why? For one, I don't really listen to a lot of the shit that urban radio plays. Honestly, I think a lot of it is fluff and bullshit. What do I listen to? Anything I damn well please, no matter what genre it is. Almost no genre is taboo to me and almost all genres are sacred. Whatever moves/touches/heals me, that's what I listen to.

Another reason is my hair. There are those who would've said that I was trying to assmilate myself into (with?) white culture by relaxing my hair and there are those would say that I am trying to do that now because I put a damn Miniglide to my hair. What these people don't understand is that no matter how beautiful natural hair is, sometimes you really don't feel like dealing with it. For me, it was a matter of managibility. Hell, sometimes it still is! Oh, and I also dye my hair on the regular. I was born a brunette but I have been a blonde (honey to platinum), a redhead (really dark red to blood) and I've dyed my hair purple. Shit, I would dye it blue if I wasn't about to look for a job!

And y'all might be interested to know that I would like to have eye contacts in different colors, including blue, green, and violet. Does all that mean that I'm trying to mold myself into the White idea of beauty? Does it mean that I'm trying to fit in with the Punks or Goths? Does it mean that I hate myself so fucking much that I'm willing to put things in my eyes and chemically "fuck up" my hair? Hell no! It just means that I like expressing myself through different ways. I like different things. When did THAT become the ultimate crime against Blackness?

*sigh* I actually didn't mean to go off on a rant, but this shit has been going on for YEARS. Everything from "I can see the tracks in your hair" to "You're being favored just because you're mom looks/is white" (she's biracial, just really light) to "You think you're all that because you're light-skinned" to getting strange looks because of what I listen to to feeling ashamed because I want to tell that certain someone how I feel through a song but I can't because it's not Rap or R&B (or Crunk&B or Snap&B). I haven't been through it all, but I've been through enough.

Oh, right. The origin of my name. I chose mixednotmixedup because my racial makeup is not in ANY way indicative of my mind state or my personality.

I know exactly who the fuck I am. Do YOU know who YOU are?

Reina Negra V