Monday, September 04, 2006

Have you ever wondered if it smarts when your heart is ignored and sword becomes lowered?

There are some things in life that I just don't understand and one of those things is relationships, love, dating, whatever you want to call it. Sometimes I think that I'm just not cut out for all of that....that I'm meant to be a loner.

At the end of June I met this guy while I was running errands with a former friend of mine. He and I hit it off immediately and everything was cool. We talked constantly, but one day, it just stopped. After two weeks he called and explained to me, among other things, that his mother was sick. I'm damn sure not gonna fault him for that, right? Right. We ended up going out in the middle of August and it was honestly one of the best days of my life. All we did was have lunch and walk around downtown, but the vibe was really good. He was one of the only people I knew that actually saw the side of me that most people don't see. I didn't have to front for him and I didn't have to hide some of my likes and dislikes....He encouraged me to be me, right down to my love for almost all things Hello Kitty. He was sexy as hell, too.....curly hair, deep brown heavy-lidded bedroom eyes, soft lips....*ahem*

I used to be the type to obsess over little aspects of the date (Where exactly are we going? What time will we be back? Did you call to make sure they would be open? etc.) but I left it in his hands. Out of all the things I could've asked on or about the date, I never thought that I would have to ask whether or not we were actually on a date! I mean, with the constant (and I mean constant even though the date/non-date was eight hours long) hand-holding, arms wrapping around my waist, sweet nothings (in about three damn different languages), and long, deep kisses, I thought that we were on a romantic date. According to him, I was wrong. He said that he didn't see it as a date, at least not at first. Gee....thanks for telling me! He kept telling me how he doesn't want a relationship and how he just wants to be my friend. I'm sorry but while I don't think that one date and makeout session constitutes the beginning of a long-term relationship, I damn sure don't think that you're supposed to makeout with your friend! He said that he actually has had friends like that. I just can't go for that. Anyone who would've saw us would've thought that we were together. Hell, he kept making comments like "Damn, we make a cute ass couple, don't we?". Who says that if it's not a date and they're just friends?

The other thing that's been frustrating me about him lately is he apparently doesn't know the meaning of compromise. I was under the impression that when two people compromise, they find some way to meet up in the middle. Usually that means that both parties have to give up something in the process. He thought that I was going too fast as far as "us" is concerned but all I said was that I would like to see him again....the very same thing he said repeatedly on the non-date that we had. The minute I talk about something that's not "lighthearted" and "fun", he's all "It's too much! You're gonna run me away!" Oh, please, knee grow! Man the fuck up! He knew from the jump that I was looking for a relationship and that I was willing to date and take my time to get there. If he wasn't looking for one, he should've shut the shit down right then and there. Oh, I'm supposed to be getting to the point, right? The thing is, he felt that I was going too fast and I felt he was going too slow, so he said that we would have to compromise. What did that mean to him? It meant that I would either slow down to his pace or wait right where the hell I was until he got there. WTH? That is NOT a damn compromise! I would've slowed down, but what would've been wrong with him speeding up a bit?

Why do I have to change who I am and he gets to stay the same? Why I am the one who always has to sacrifice while everyone else sits pretty? If I have so many "friends", then why I am the one who has to make the first move? The first call? The first contact? Why can I bust my ass and make time for people but they can't lift a finger to do the same for me? Not anymore! If people want me, they have to make time for me and find me. I'm going to focus on school, getting a job and making a way for myself. Yeah, I could've done all that even with a significant other, but I'm just gonna go at it alone like I've done most things in my life. Honestly, I do want a true friend and I do want my love to come along, but until they do (if they do), I'm going to close up a bit and be on my own for a while. Maybe if I do it by choice and not by force it won't feel so bad.