Tuesday, November 27, 2007

And They Called Him "Dickalicious"

On the way to see The Dealer (well, former now, I guess) a bit less than a month ago, I happened to look up the escalator to see a guy looking down at me and bobbin' his head to whatever I was listening to (damn those loud ass headphones!). He started flirting with me and seeing as how I was on my way to Happy Dick and Pus'e Land (didn't get there but we ain't gonna talk about that right nah, mmkay?) I was feeling a bit...we'll say "generous" so I decided to engage ol' boy.

Some of the things he wanted me to know:

He's a rapper. That seems to be a very common occupation around here. Kinda makes me wistful for the days when some dudes named Soldiers of War would walk up and down 87th hawking their CD's. *sighs*

He's part American Indian. Now, that shit was skrait up out of the blue cause wasn't nan nobody talking about heritage. He just had to point out the "good hurr". SMH

He has two kids by the same woman. Oh, and I'm supposed to believe there's no BMD (Baby Mama Drama)? Yuh-huh.

He has a really big dick and used to be a stripper by the name of "Dickalicious".

*record scratches*


Ok, what had happened was...

On the L platform, I told him that I was on the way to see my guy. I specifically left my destination a bit ambiguous until I could check him out more. Yeah...once he sat down next to me and I got a whiff of his breff (YES, breff!) my destination suddenly became clear to me and I "remembered" that I had a "boyfriend". After hearing that, he swung his ass around the pole next to my seat to get to another so fast I thought his ass was...

A) Spiderman

B) Practicing the "Sante Fe" dance routine from Rent: The Movie

or C) A skrippa.

Turns out the answer was "C".

He told me that that's how he got that move and then he started telling me how he got the name. Apparently, he's too big for a lot of females to handle. *rolls eyes* It's not the first time I've heard that (although it's the first time I heard it on the damn train) and it's not gonna be the last but the shit that kills me is the fact that he was stating that "fact" as plainly as he would say anything else. He didn't go the whole, "Yeah, it's BIG. Can YOU handle it?" or wink at me or any of the usual shit. He just said it straight out. I kinda had to respect his gangsta for that.

Did I mention that the whole time this was occuring I was trying really really hard not to laugh my ayass (yep) off? Thought y'all might wanna know that li'l tidbit.

Anyway, he started on the whole, "We can just be friends." thing but y'all know how that shit goes and he was starting to be on some, "What he don't know won't hurt him" BS so I shot him down and he took his ass to the next car.

So, let's review:

He's a rapper
He drew attention to his "good hurr" and let me in on his ancestry
He has two kids by the same woman (did I mention dude's, like, 22?)
He used to be a skrippa
He has a big dick that most women can't handle
He has hot ass breff

Yep, sounds like a hood romance (possibly a homance) to me! *shudders*

Oh, and I never did get the dick that night.


To the Older Fellas Out There...

Now...I know y'all may look at Russy and Kimora and Jay and Bey and think that y'all could pull a younger chick. It actually just may be true but the diff between them and you is that they have confidence and swagga. Lemme explain.

Almost a month ago, I was on my way to see The Dealer (yep, THAT Dealer) after a four month hiatus (we kinda hated each other for a while) when a really cute man caught my eye. I was getting off of the bus and heading down the L steps when something told me to look up. Lo and behold, there the man was looking down on me. I figured I had a bit of time to kill so I walked back up the steps and got into a lil convo. Dude was tall, light-skinedededed with nice eyes and a pleasant voice. We talked a bit about this and that but the thing that turned me off (besides the fact that he was cutting into my Dealer time) was he kept saying, "You're so CUUUUUUUTE!".


Dude, I'm 23 years old and you're 35. That ain't exactly what I wanna be hearing right nah! By this time, we had already exchanged numbers, so I'm like whatevs. I FINALLY went on the train and off to happy Dick and Punani land for the night.

A few days go by and dude keeps calling and I don't answer or call him back. Why? Well, first of all, I kinda, sorta wasn't home for a couple of days. *smirks* Second of all, I just...didn't. *shrugs* He kept leaving messages and I kept doing me. Then came the last message...

Him: I guess you're not going to return my call but I know you have my number. I believe the reason you're not calling is because I told you that I don't have a vehicle at the present time. So when I get my degree I will be making $40 an hour so it won't be a problem to get a car. Just wanted to let you know that. But you don't want to take the time to talk to me now,'s not my loss. Have a good one. Bye.


*falls out laughing*

Keep in mind I met this nigga while I was getting off of the bus and he was getting on so him having a ride was NOT important to me! So this muthafucka wanna act all bashful and insecure when I ask him his age ('cause he knows he's up there in age) and when I ask him to take off his hat ('cause his ass is balding)and then has the nerve to not only get pissy when I don't call him back but try to insinuate that I'm a golddigger!

Fellas, PLEASE get your confidence and swagger up! If you don't have the balls to talk to a 23 year old woman then PLEASE do not try. That shit is embarassing for the both of us.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Gimme Gimme Ron!

And he still put more efoort into it than Brit-Brit. *sighs*

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Hell Yeah, I'd Smash!

Yep, that's Miss Kimberly Locke from "American Idol" gettin' her sang on in her bra and panties. Now...usually I frown on this type of shit but she's thick, her body is glistening, and I'm horny as hell right now, so *puts thumbs up*.