This Type of Shit Happens Everyday

Let me kick this off by saying that I am a beautiful woman. No, not in that "every woman is beautiful in her own way" way, but actually beautiful. No, I'm not posting a pic on here so you'll just have to take my word for it! *sticks out tongue* Description: 5'4, 140 pounds, caramel skin, brown almond-shaped eyes, short dark brown hair and an old-school Coke bottle figure. Nice, right? Yeah, I know. *winks*



Anyway, I've never really had a shortage of guys approaching me but lately I seem to be attracting a new breed: the old man at the club/pimp/wannabe pimp/use to be pimp/man seeking to relive his glory days/trying to get a glory day in the first damn place.


Last week I walked into a lil cooked food joint on Commercial Ave., placed my order, and sat down. A few minutes later, in walks an old guy in his 60's or 70's, gray hair and all. He sits opposite of me, which for some reason highly annoyed me. Maybe I knew what was coming.


Me: *texting on my cell phone*

Him: What? You calling me on my phone?

Me: *thinking* Here we fuckin' go A-DAMN-GAIN!

*speaking with a weak smile, trying to be polite* What?

Him: I see you messing with your phone and I was asking you if you were calling me. *smiles*

Me: *with that same damn smile*: Oh! Heh. No.

*notices that he has on cheap ass snow boots in 70 degree weather*

*tries to contain laughter*

Him: So....what? Are you playing a game on your phone?

Me: No. I'm texting someone. (Coco, Ninja, Blk Grl, La Negra Linda....this is the moment that I texted y'all)

Him: Texting? Woooooow! My phone can't do all that!

Me: *thinking* You are NOT going to try and mack to me by letting me know just how technolgically behind you are.
*sighs internally. DEEPLY.*
*speaking* Well, some people just need their phone just for calls.

*silence*

Him: I--

Me: *sees the person waving me over for my food*

*thinking* Oh, thank GOD!!

*damn near runs to the counter*

*grabs food and leaves*


Dude might have been harmless but there was no way that he was getting my number or anything else from me! He was giving off a child molester vibe for some reason. Maybe it was because I'm so much younger than him and the phone thing.

What he said: What are you doing? Texting? Wooooow! My phone can't do all thaaaaaaaaat!

What I heard: My phone can't do that but if you show me how to use it I'll give you all the candy you waaaaant! Heh heh heh. *winks*

Maybe it's just me.

Yesterday I went to McDonald's to pick up something and almost as soon as I walked in I notice this tall and fat guy. I'm not talking about the kind of fat that some people wear well and they look really good. Oh, no. My boy Kevin is that type. Dude was NOT. I mean, his belly was so big, it looked distended! Dude looked about 8 months pregnant with TWINS! At least his tittays weren't bigger than mine. I think. *shudders* I think he was probably in his late 30's to 40's. His was not a good look AT ALL!

Him: Girl, what, you tryna--tr-try-tryna be a model?

Me: *thinking* ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!! W.T.F?!?

*speaking*(highly annoyed but polite): No.

Him: 'Cause you sure are looking (?) today!

Me: Heh.

McD's employee: Can I help you?

Me: *gives the order*

Him: (something indecipherable)

Him AND McD's employee: *speaks at the same time*

Me (to the employee): I'm sorry. How much was that again?

Him: You tryna brang (?), huh?

Employee: *quotes price*

*He leaves*

Me (relieved): Thank you.


I mean, damn! I know I was lookin' gooder than cooked food and all (high and mighty fro, turquois clingy shirt, with TASTEFUL sequins SPARSELY USED, tight blue jeans, big earrings, and white gym shoes), but go away! Like I told my boy Coco, maybe I reminded him of an ex or a former lover or something. He damn sure looked old enough to have been a teenager/young adult in the 70's. Maybe he has a Pam Grier fetish. Yo no se y no me importa (I don't know and it's not important to me).


I have one more story. The guy I'm about to mention isn't old, per se but he was at least in his 30's. People may say that black don't crack, but from the looks of these guys, it damn sure can chip, peel, tarnish, and get weater-beaten! Ok, so I went to CVS Pharmacy to pick up some pop (you know....soda?) and I was on my way to the counter when some peon (heh.) tried to get at me. He actually kinda looked like Akon. Ewl.


Him: What's up beautiful?

Me (listlessly): Hey.

Him: Can I talk to you and get to know you?

Me: *not even looking back*: I have a boyfriend. (La mierda del toro! I'm as single as they come!)

Him: You might, but I can be your MAN!

Me: *mutters* Oy!

Him (from two aisles down): Can I tell you a story?!?

Me: No!

Him: Can I tell you a story?!?

Me (rapidly): IsaidNO!!

*walks to the checkout*

Him (about 2 fucking feet away): You are very beautiful.

Me: *not looking up* Thank you--

*sees who it is*
*sneers*
*pays for my stuff*
*tries to duck and dodge his ass like I'm in a damn war so he won't know where I'm going*


And y'all wonder why my ass isn't all up and down my neighborhood? I don't feel like hearing that shit! Even if I have my headphones on people still try to get at me. I never get approached by the clean, sexy, attractive, intelligent, non gangbanging, funny males or females. Oh, no....I get all the other ones! The ones that look like they should be on "Maury" disputing a paternity claim. The ones that have dirt under their nails although they got off of work 4 hours prior to seeing me. The ones that say that they're a gang member but not a gangbanger. I know....fuckery, right? Yep.


Seeing as how the summer's about to start (although it feels like it is here anyway. Gotta love the Chi!), I'm guessing I should expect this kind of foolishness every time I go out, no matter what I'm wearing. UGH! I should be flattered, I guess, but to be honest it's really annoying most of the time because there hasn't been a person yet that I was able to say "yes" to.

Ah well. I bet that this is going to end up being a weekly post. PLEASE pull out your Pas-tah Kerney pwah-rayer cloths and pray that I will be blogging during the summer and not in jail for beating someone's ass or cussing them out!




You can look but not touch. Scratch that! As a matter of fact, you can't even look.

Reina Negra V