Saturday, September 01, 2007

Bullshit Notes From Summer 2007 Pt. 1

Well, this has certainly been an...interesting summer to say the least. On the good side, I'm happy, fairly healthy, I have a roof over my head, food to eat, and a magnificent hunk as a boyfriend.

On the flip side. LAWD, on the flip side...yeah, things got pretty damn shitty over the last few months. First, me and the man I loved (the 20 year old ex-dealer) got into it and he talked about me worst than a flea-ridden dog! Nah, scratch that. Y'all remember the part in "The Godfather" where the goons straight fucked up Sonny at the toll booth? Yeah, he did the emotional eqivalent of that. It's a long story so I'll just say that what's done in the dark is seen in the light. I would post the shit on here but honestly, it's too damn painful.

Second, my first ex-fiancee came back. Yes, the FIRST. I may post about the second one later. Anyway, after not hearing from him since 2002, he found me on MySpace and started in with the, "Oh, baby I'm so glad that you're back in my life! Thank God for you and having another chance and if I could I would marry you right now..." blah blah blah. Now, being once bitten and twice shy, I wasn't trying to hear all that but I decided to maybe date him and see where it would go. You know, I'll just let the email I sent to a few Crunkers tell the tale.

Ok...I just told another one of my exes off today (well, again). The ex in this case is a guy named [name deleted]. Most of y'all know the story but for those who don't:

I met him when I was 16 going on 17 and he was 25 going on 26 in 2001. We dated for three months and the night after he "proposed" to me, he supposedly got arrested and after his release spent a month or so at his brother's house before he came back home. Oh, and I hadn't heard from him for two weeks before then because he claimed that he got into it with his father and cousins about me and that he took a train to TN but came back because he missed me and wasn't going to let anyone stop him from being with the woman he loves and wants to marry. Oy...

Bottom line: I didn't hear from him for 7 1/2 months (July 2002). He came back talkin' sweet but he soon turned into a jealous twit and began picking fights with me about everything. I'm talmbout from the places that I wanted to work to my hair color to me wanting to wear blue/violet/dark green contacts to switch thangs up. Things were going along kinda ok until he called me (from a number that couldn't be called back) and left a message on the voice mail (which my mother heard before I did) stating that I gave him Gonorrhea (which I got tested for and did NOT have) and that our relationship was over because the only way he could've gotten it is if I had cheated on him. That was the last I heard from him for 5 years.

Fast forward to June of this year. I got a message from him on MySpace. We talked on the phone and I got a couple of questions answered. I saw him that same day (kilt his ass with my fuck-'em dress!) and he was all huggy and shit. He was actually thanking GOD that I was going to give him a chance and that he saw me, blah blah blah. He wanted to get back together but I've been burned twice by him so I wasn't going to take that chance. I said that we could date and he said he was fine with that. However, he was already calling me "baby" and whatnot so maybe it didn't quite sink through. At the time I was still feeling for the ex-dealer (shut. UP.) so when B started acting his usual way (disappearing on my ass) I didn't really mind but once I started to think about that shit I got pissed because I was really close to falling for his shit again. The main reason I got into it with him was because I seriously don't want to be going through this shit every few years!

Anyway, here are the notes that led up to today. Enjoy!

P.S. His reason for the STD shit and the abrupt way he left things? He thought that things wouldn't work because of our age difference and he felt like he was holding me back and like he was forcing us to be and on and on and on.

[Him] - Jun 25, 2007 3:13 PM

hey sweety, still killin em. ya boy ollie alluwishus donitello. [Don't ask me what the fuck he was trying to do with that name. - RNV]

From: Me
Date: Jun 25, 2007 7:38 PM

Well, well, well....Bobby Digital himself (guess you ain't calling yourself that no more, huh?). How'd you find me? Why did you find me? I thought you hated me for what you CLAIMED I did to you 5 or 6 years ago.

Him - 12:13 AM

baby, its totally water unda da bridge. im jus glad youre still beautiful an all dat, and it could be 20 years and ill never 4get the time when i was yourz an u were mine. love
ALWAYZ [name deleted].

Me - Jun 26, 2007 2:16 PM

Just to let you know, if you do decide to call or text, feel free to do it before 9 pm if you wish. I really do hope to hear from you soon, [name deleted].
[I was trying to get some damn answers - RNV]

9:49 PM
Feel free to call me in the morning. If I don't answer, just leave a voice mail and I'll call you back.

As you can see on my page, I'm still single and have been so for almost a year now. Take that how you wanna take it. *winks*
[Hesh up!]

Him - 11:39 PM

i left my phone but ill have it 2ma, im eager to holla at you my num is [deleted] i work nights but my morn is open imma holla, im at the j.o. and yes i do.....still and will always love you. i no u might b wit someone but hey i had to put that out there no disrespect, and i fell back cause i felt that was a sign to let you grow a spread your wings. you deserve soooo much and i didnt really have anything to............well you get it.

4eva yourz,
[name deleted]

[We talked on the phone and saw each other and he was supposed to see me later that night, but his cousin got arrested.]

Jun 28, 2007 1:15 AM
my phone is dead sweety but everythings o,k, they impounded my cousins car though so thats another 2000 the fam is out of. but i cant stop thinkin about you are you ok?

[After this we communicated through text sparsely]

Me - Jul 16, 2007 8:24 PM

My cell is disconnected for the moment (and for goodness knows how long) so if you want to talk you can either hit me up here or on the house phone: [number deleted]. I was trying to text you to say that it was a good thing that I didn't hear from you because I was and still am going through something that concerns my heart and emotions. I don't want to get into it right now because I'm still hurt but, you know.

Him - Jul 17, 2007 6:01 PM

yes i know, umm dont let me fuck up anything you might feel strong about even if it means losing you. ive always been...... well lets just say lost when it comes to love so im conditioned to it, its nothing thats y i bury myself in this music.being a man in this family u have 2 deal wit alot of pain so if anything please remember.. i will always love you and a call away from anything i can do
to help,talk, console, cherish an.........

love always,
the nice guy

[This is where I got a bit frustrated]

Me - Jul 17, 2007 8:39 PM

I made a mistake. My phone isn't turned off, it just wasn't working last night.

You're not fucking up anything. He hates me now so that's that. I'm still not trying to jump into anything, though. In all honesty, it's kind of hard to picture us together because of some of the things you do. I don't want to be put on a pedestal and I don't want my faults to be ignored, but that's what you do and always have done. I can't take the adoration you give me. I can't take you being in awe of me like you do sometimes. I can't take trying to knock down your ideal image of me so you can see who I really am. It's too much work. It was fine in my younger days but I've grown away from all that.

I'm not saying that I don't want you around and I'm not saying that being a good guy is a bad thing. I just wanna be me and me is VERY flawed. Also, ever since I've known you, you've had a whole naive, I-didn't-know-any-better thing about you that I really don't like. It makes me wonder if you're being fake or trying to use it as an excuse to do things.

Like I said, I'm not trying to talk about you. I'm just getting stuff off of my chest that's been there for YEARS. I'm feeling like I won't be able to fully trust you because I'll be waiting for you to disappear again. I don't know what I'm trying to say. I'm a lil woozy from the Benedryl I took.

[After this he did his disappearing act yet again. I wasn't casting him off. I just wanting him to see how it is for me dealing with him most of the time. Truth be told, he acts like a fuckin' STAN. I tried to text him to see what was what but after a while I said fuck it! I had been feeling this way for a loooong time but didn't tell him until after I started my relationship with Z. Tew-tally unintentional, btw]

Aug 20, 2007 8:23 PM did it again. I gave you a chance for the third time and you mananged to mess it up. *sighs* I was really hoping that you had changed and that you would be around but I should've known better. You may have grown up as far as age but not in other places and not when it comes to me. You're still the same 26 year old that acted like a 18 year old. It's cool, though. Apparently, we're not on the same level and I doubt we'll ever be.

Just do me a favor: The next time you feel like you want to reconnect with me and you want to thank God for me...DON'T. Just stop trying to get back because it's a bunch of bullshit on your end. I have better things to do with my time AND my LIFE than to wonder if you're going to come around again and if you're going to do right.

Bobby - Aug 21, 2007 4:48 PM

listen, im out here trying to get rich period, im working 2 jobs now and doing this music i dont have time to raise a grown ass woman, i need you on your shit and if not its no problem cause i feel like i never had you anyway so i cant miss what i never had. i swear to GOD in heaven that if i had it my way we would have been married but i got a loyalty with my fam and we have problems. i never left, im just sick of hearing and dealing with other guys [For goodness sake! He's referring to the funny stories I would tell him about guys trying to get at me. Just like the shit I post here.] thats all if its just me then i promise ill drop everything and it will be just you. but im too old to be dealing with kid shit. [my name deleted] please trust me im done with bullshit and games i dont wanna spook you cause im serious im getting a house and i want you to move in with me so we could be a family.

Me - Aug 21, 2007 8:10 PM

Wait wait wait! You did NOT say "raise a grown ass woman". Have you forgotten who the hell I am? My teenaged self was telling your grown ass how to take care of yourself back when we first got together, so don't try to pull that shit on me. I've BEEN grown and you know that. And when have I NOT been on my shit? I'm helping my mother out doing everyday errands that she CAN'T do because she's disabled, I'm taking care of my brother's dog AND I'm packing and trying to move so miss me with all that, B.

You wanna talk that "I never had you" shit and then in the same breath talk about how we would be married. That makes no kind of sense! Why the hell would you want to marry someone you claim you don't miss and you claim you never had? Why the fuck are you thanking GOD for me if you never had me? [Yeah...sorry bout using the f-word and God in the same sentence, y'all!]

The other guys? OMG! You ARE still the same [his name deleted]! I can't joke with you about guys trying to get at me because you still get jealous over every little comment and every little stare. Dude, don't try to be in a relationship with a pretty woman with a nice body and personality if you can't handle it! I'm that woman, and I'm probably always going to be that woman so if you can't deal then you have no business trying to be with me let alone marry me.

And you know what? It was you. It was you for a long ass time and I told you that. It was you when it shouldn't have been you. It was YOU when your punk ass deserted me for 7 1/2 months the day after you "proposed" to me and it was YOU even after you left that bullshit ass message on my phone where everyone could hear and it was YOU in the back of my mind and heart for YEARS!

I told you that I had some feelings that I was trying to deal with but that I would if you gave me time. You're always asking me for time to get your shit straight, but you couldn't give it to me. You NEVER could! I think that's called hypocrisy. You might wanna check that before you step to someone else.

Oh, and trust me, you could NEVER be as tired of the kid games as I am. You're still pulling the same shit you did years ago and it exhausts me. I'm not the 16/17 year old you were messing with. I'm damn near 23 years old and you're still pulling the same shit like it'll work. That's not very smart. Honestly, YOU exhaust me. I just don't have the strength to deal with your shit anymore.

Your loyalty to your fam has nothing to do with this. Then again, maybe it does. You claim you were going to leave me because you got pissed at what your father said about me. [His father called him a Chester even though I was legal at the time] You're living with the same cousins that whooped your ass because you were with me. [He claims his father got them to do that for the same reason. They ain't say that shit when one of them walked in on dude giving me a backshot.] What would be next? It's always something with you! Now, do you wonder why I didn't go back with you right away? I knew you were going to fuck up. If that sounds harsh, then, hey but it has to be said.

Maybe you can take the time to REALLY get yourself together and find the one for you. It's not me.'s way too little, too late. I'm in a relationship now with someone I care very much for.

Take care of yourself, [his name deleted].

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